Fantasy Football God | Bonehead Picks

Fantasy Football god

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The following is a creative project that I wrote for an assignment for the school I am currently attending, that will go unnamed. The premise is that I can be as narcissistic as I want to be and I don’t think I could have been anymore over the top.



“You are taking on the role of an artist, architect, or patron who lived sometime period covered by our class (Prehistory to the Gothic Era). You are designing a monument for yourself. It can be any type of monument that we have studied: a funerary monument, a house, a temple, a painting, a reliquary, a mosaic, etc.–ANYTHING! You must design your monument to be seen by historians (like yourself) hundreds or even thousands of years from now. They will look at this monument and try to understand it, you, your time period, your motivations, your standings, etc.

Some of the instructions:
Your design must refer to at least three works of art they we have seen in this class. These works or monuments are your inspirations. You should mix-and-match time periods, styles etc, using works from AT LEAST TWO time periods) e.g. Greek, Egyptian, Islamic) as your inspirations.

The reason I am sharing this with you, is because it is sports related, please bear with the artsy part, enjoy.  Also, keep in mind it is a fictional story, for the purpose of entertainment and a school project.

Update:  I received a 98% on this assignment, not too bad, if I do say so myself!

On or about 20,000 BCE pieces of what many scholars have referred to as some sort of a“trophy” were found in Hohle Fels cave (hollow cave) in Germany next to the Venus of HohleFels. These pieces amounted to 23 small pieces that were later reconstructed to what is now believed by scholars to become known as “Beast Trophy”. One of the greatest basketball players of all time and fairly recent NBA player Michael Jordan even chose his jersey number because of the 23 pieces of this historic trophy. (Beast Trophy is the trophy I am displaying proudly on my desk for winning my fantasy football league championship).

What makes this so unique is the meaning of the two pieces of artwork found in the cave. It is believed that Venus of Hohle Fels’ meaning pertains to women celebrating their womanhood and femininity. We may never know for sure, due to Venus of Hohle Fels being made and found in the Prehistoric era, however, it is believed that it celebrates women’s ability to have children, and breast feed or nurture their children in ways that men aren’t capable of. It could also have been made from a woman that was pregnant or by a woman that was pregnant or had been pregnant before.

Additionally, Beast Trophy may have just the opposite meaning. It looks like the trophy was made to celebrate men’s masculinity; in fact, scholars believe that the trophy was made by or for someone celebrating a victory of some sort. It could also be celebrating many victories as well. And it certainly looks like it was made to celebrate many more victories to come.

Beast Trophy seems to have some sort of meaning to a sports emperor by the name of Jerry Lee Emry, not to be mistaken for singer and entertainer Jerry Lee Lewis. However, since this trophy was found in the Prehistoric era it is difficult to ascertain its true meaning. The trophy stands seven inches tall and is made from resin, and this resin was only found in Egypt, giving this particular trophy even more significance. Homo sapien sapiens made the trophy in Egypt and transported it via the Nile and walked thousands of miles to its final destination of Germany, where it was hand delivered to Jerry Lee Emry.

Beast Trophy has also been compared to another early work of art called the Lion Man, as a matter of fact Lion Man was said to be one of the earliest pieces of art found. Lion Man was made by sophisticated Homo sapien sapiens and it is said that Beast Trophy and Lion Man were one of the first works of art that were symbolically motivated behavior pieces of art.

Also unearthed in a separate cave in France was some sort of what scholars are now referring to as a belt worn by Jerry Lee Emry. This belt was made out of cardboard and cardboard was only known to be found in Crete meaning that Homo sapien sapiens made the belt in Crete and carried the belt with them all the way to France and placed it in a safe haven, said to be in Chauvet, France. The belt was also made of rubies, pearls, silver and gold. It was similar to the belts used now by the World Wrestling Entertainment and Ultimate Fighting Championship. The belt was said to be delivered via a flaming chariot with Pegasus at the helm.

This infamous belt was said to have powers compared to Zeus’ ability to strike with lightning, or more specifically Zeus’ lightning bolt, legend has it that during an Olympic event sometime between the years of 1100 – 900 BCE, Zeus attempted to strike Jerry Lee Emry with a lightning bolt and Jerry Lee Emry blocked it with his belt with such a strong force that Zeus nearly melted like the Wicked Witch of the West in the current day Wizard of Oz.

It’s said that Jerry Lee Emry was a renowned athlete from Germany or France. He participated in all the Olympics in fact Jerry Lee Emry never lost an event in his 200 plus years of attending every event and was never sick or injured. The legend is what made Jerry Lee Emry invincible was his famous eyebrow he sported, most Homo sapien sapiens had two eye brows, but Jerry Lee Emry had one thick brow without a break in the middle, like current National Basketball star Anthony Davis. Jerry Lee Emry was at times referred to as the Unibrow.

It is also believed that even Neanderthals played a form of football with a ball found in both the caves in France and Germany. The ball resembles a ball that we now know as a football. Neanderthals, however, didn’t have access to a football gauge so they went by the feel of the football as opposed to a designated air pressure like we do today and it’s said that there was some shenanigans involved with air pressure just like we experienced in the AFC Championship game with Tom Brady and the New England Patriots a few years back.

It’s also believed that Jerry Lee Emry battled all the major Olympians to include Zeus, the king of gods, Poseidon, the god of the seas, earthquakes and tidal waves, Apollo, god of light, Ares, god of war, Hephaestus, master blacksmith and craftsman of the gods, Hermes, messenger of the gods, and Dionysus, the god of wine, celebrations and ecstasy.

It is also rumored that Jerry Lee Emry slept with all the goddesses and had many children with them; they even fought over him, which created a real scene at all the Olympics and festivities, legend even has it that Jerry Lee Emry even impregnated the virgin goddess, Athena, which is a feat in itself.

When Jerry Lee Emry died, it is said that a comet the shape of a huge belt shaped like the one Jerry Lee Emry used to carry just barely missed hitting Earth. It is believed that the comet was the afterlife god of Jerry Lee Emry, now known as the “Fantasy Football God.”

Since Jerry Lee Emry was such a great athlete and lover a monument was erected in the 14th century around 1260 on the border of Germany and France that stands 300 feet tall for all to see and worship people even come from other galaxies millions of miles away to be around the monument and to be around the fantasy football god’s greatness. The monument is now referred as Jerry Lee Emry the fantasy football god. The monument is so big it is in Germany and France.

Legend has it that Jerry Lee Emry’s genes are extremely rare and athletic, in fact some of the greatest athletes of all time have come from Jerry Lee Emry’s genes to include Mike Tyson, Michael Phelps, Michael Jordan and Conor McGregor just to name a few, and there are believed to be many more.

Since Jerry Lee Emry was compared to Zeus, the fantasy football monument is in the style of Zeus with a lightning bolt along with his championship belt in his left hand. There is also an eagle that has landed on his left shoulder. In my opinion the statue does have similarities to Zeus, Athenian which is a red figure Panathenaic amphora made sometime around C 5th B.C.

Moreover, it is believed that if you pray to the fantasy football god, he will reward you with help in your fantasy football line up, in fact, this lineup won last year in 2016:

Running back DeAngelo Williams starting in place of running back, Le’Veon Bell, who was on the bench for week 17 to rest for the playoffs and prevent injury, running back, Jay Ajayi, quarterback, Matt Ryan, wide receivers T.Y. Hilton, Mike Evans, and Brandin Cooks, tight end, Coby Fleener, kicker, Matt Bryant, and Seattle Seahawk’s defense. Jerry Lee Emry Jr. did in fact win his fantasy football championship with the above line up in 2016. The modern day fantasy football god learned everything he knows from the Olympic athlete/sports god.

 

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2 Comments

  1. Trent the Future Champ

    April 24, 2017 at 2:14 am

    Champ, I hope you can foresee, When The Saints Come Marchin’ winning the championship next season.

  2. Jerry Emry

    April 24, 2017 at 9:51 am

    Sorry, I can’t see that, but it certainly will be fun competing against you.

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